• Larkyn Simony

Black Friday: Don't Make Retail Workers Wish For Your Slow & Protracted Death

Stay the Hell Home Until No Earlier Than Friday at 10 am!

As you may know, Thanksgiving is coming up in the US. It is a day when people stuff themselves with food, watch football, and fight with their drunk uncles about politics.

I don't know about you, but I tend to consume more food on Thanksgiving than I do on a typical day. Also, since I will be off work and have no children or visiting relatives to entertain, I will be blessed with most of the day to do WHATEVER I WANT.

These two factors will culminate in the only logical result: endless hours of napping while attempting to watch a Christmas movie.

After restarting the movie approximately 752 times and sleeping through it almost that many times, I will conclude that my Christmas plans should be to lie under the tree and sleep to remind everyone I am a gift and that I excel at sleeping.

But, I digress. I wrote this post because Black Friday has gotten totally out of hand in the past 15 or so years. It has slowly become an event that doesn't just include a sane person's shopping hours on Friday. It has taken over Thanksgiving entirely.

When you have people missing Thanksgiving to camp out in a tent in front of a Best Buy starting on Wednesday night at midnight so they can save $100 on a TV, well, then you know your country has a problem.

I worked retail the entire time I was in high school and college. I can assure you if anyone working in a store at 11 pm on Thanksgiving night smiles at you, it is not because they are happy and want to serve you. It is because they hate you, and smiling maniacally is the only way they can keep themselves from bashing you over the head with that Farberware frying pan you have been asking them questions about for the past half hour.

Nobody wants to work on Thanksgiving day or night, or at 2 am on Friday morning, or at 6 am on Friday morning!

Retail workers do not get a lot of time off and don't have the luxury of having their weekends as protected leisure time. Plus, they have to deal with the entire gamut of psychoses that present themselves in human beings, a fact to which I can attest from experience!

Why not open stores at the standard time on Friday, or even a little later, to allow workers to recover from their tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving hangovers? Or from real hangovers, depending on their family dynamics.

People could still shop just as much, and the only consequence would be daytime crowds might be larger.

To make up for the lack of drama and frenzy doing away with insane Black Friday retail hours would bring, I propose all stores run their escalators as fast as they will go. Stores can also switch the escalators to run backward while people are on them. They can even set their automatic doors to open and close at random intervals without warning.

These changes would make up for the lack of crazed excitement people feel about ridiculous Black Friday shopping hours. This excitement would be replaced by the thrill of riding in the back of an ambulance at top speed!

Since we have this fantastic thing called the Internet, why not sit at home on your couch in your pajamas on Thanksgiving night and shop some of the online Black Friday sales? That way, during commercials during that Law and Order marathon, you can purchase DVDs of tv shows you can already stream on Netflix, and for rock-bottom prices!

I am sure some unfortunate souls at the Amazon.com offices will have to work on Thanksgiving night, but at least they won't have to deal with half-crazed, overly-full shoppers in person!

Instead, they can also enjoy the Law and Order marathon while getting the site running again after that amazing 60% off deal on the complete series of Saved by the Bell: The New Class caused it to crash.

For me, Black Friday is aptly named because I will spend half the day napping and looking at the black behind my eyelids. Because I dislike shopping in person, I consider a trip to the mall tantamount to attending a three-hour spinning class at a gym where everyone is more attractive and thinner than I am. And where these thin, beautiful people wear trendy workout clothes. They do not wear ratty old leggings and a t-shirt they got when they were 12 that says, "Elvis Shot JFK."

The idea of attending a class at a gym like that is so horrifying I would sooner watch a twenty-four-hour nonstop marathon of Mama's Family than participate in it. I am pretty sure retail workers feel the same way about working on Thanksgiving or on Black Friday.

My advice to you is to stay home on Thanksgiving night. Don't go to the store on Friday morning earlier than the time at which you would have woken up with a hangover on any given Sunday morning when you were between the ages of 18 and 24.

Spend time at home with your family, your friends, your pets, or by yourself. Give thanks that you have the luxury of worrying about things like when to buy Christmas presents. Be glad you have time off. Feel gratitude that you don't have to sell the Big City Slider Station to wackos at 3 am on Black Friday in the "As Seen on TV" section at a Macy's.

Most of all, be happy you have more dire things to worry about. For example, you can stress that you've never seen an episode of Game of Thrones. And, even though the show ended last year, you STILL can't understand half the memes on the Internet.

I promise you won't be sorry, and retail workers will thank you. Probably they won't bludgeon you to death with a Farberware frying pan, either.

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

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