• Larkyn Simony

Purple Pieman Not, As Previously Thought, World’s Most Well-Endowed Man

Debate About Whether He is Hiding A Giant Wang Under His Apron Finally Settled


Atlanta, November 19, 2020


Experts reached a shocking conclusion today at the 22nd Annual Strawberryland Roundtable. The roundtable meets each year just before the commencement of Atlanta's world-famous multigenre convention, Dragon Con. They discuss ongoing issues within Strawberryland and strategize how to best attract visitors to the Strawberryland booth at the conference.

Due to COVID, there was no in-person attendance of Dragon Con this year, and the Strawberryland Roundtable instead met this week. The meetings were held all week at an IHOP location that has been temporarily closed until the end of the year. The restaurant is accused of fire code violations and of non-observance of social distancing protocols.


This year's expert panel included Huckleberry Pie, Blueberry Muffin, Apple Blossom, and Pupcake. Strawberry Shortcake was unable to attend due to a previously scheduled appearance before Congress. She is speaking on the importance of making action-figure reboots of previously-loved children's toys look "less slutty."

When asked why the group would meet at an IHOP accused of health and safety violations, Blueberry Muffin said:

Nothing this IHOP has been accused of affects its employees' abilities to create safe and delicious food. We all love desserts, and everyone knows it's a lie that pancakes, waffles, and things like that are breakfast items. They are all desserts. IHOP has the largest selection of fruit-flavored syrups, and since none of us can agree on the best fruit flavor, this place is perfect. Also, because they are in so much trouble we don't have to rent the space. They are delighted for us to simply pay for the food. Plus, our willingness to eat here will make their restaurant's supposed violations seem less concerning to future diners. Well, they think so, anyway.


The discussion was heated as the roundtable, which actually sat in a large, rectangular booth, continued to debate the longstanding question that has plagued them for years:


Is the long apron the Purple Pieman wears genuinely meant to protect his clothing from spills, or as many experts have suggested, is it there to cover his enormous genitalia?


An agreement that the Pieman did, indeed, possess a ginormous member was reached at the 2007 roundtable. The proclamation was later retracted amongst suspicion that it was not his vast member the Pieman was hiding under his apron, but rather all the berries he had stolen from the valley.


Many years of fierce debate, sometimes ending in fistfights between the most vocal members of the group, Huckleberry Pie and Pupcake, have come to an end. Today, the roundtable came to the official conclusion that the Purple Pieman uses his apron strictly in matters of baking. He does not wear it to hide a wang so long it nearly touches the ground. The verdict was announced this morning in a joint press release between the Strawberryland Roundtable and Dragon Con officials.

"I know Dragon Con didn't really do anything for us this year," said Huckleberry Pie, "But our partnership with them is a tradition. Also, having their name on the press release makes people actually look at it."


When asked why the group hasn't confronted the Purple Pieman directly about what he's hiding under his apron, Huckleberry Pie explained:


The Pieman isn't the most cooperative person I've ever met, and we aren't even sure where he is most of the time. He's a stealthy guy. This year, because of social distancing protocols, he hasn't bothered us much. There was that one time in the summer when he set up a Zoom meeting to harass us virtually. But, during the call, he confessed that living alone in the Pie Tin Palace was making him depressed. He was tired of cleaning bird poop off everything. even the Berry Birds were staying home to avoid the pandemic. I could have asked him what's under his apron while he was crying and vulnerable during that Zoom call. But exploiting another man's weakness to ask how big his member is seemed both wrong and kind of weird to me.


There have been mixed reactions to the long-awaited decision about what is under the Pieman's apron. The revelation that his jimmy-john is likely not the largest in the world has caused particular excitement in the adult-film community, and no one seems more pleased than former adult-film actor Ron Jeremy.


In an interview this morning with the Atlanta Journal, Jeremy, when asked for his reaction to the announcement, simply wiped his brow and said, "Whew!"


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