• Larkyn Simony

Three Animals It Would Be More Awesome to Ride to Work Than a Horse

Because Hell Yeah!

Most of you do not ride a horse to work or take a horse and buggy. I do know this. Unless you are a policeman who rides a horse as part of your job, or your job is to take tourists on horse and buggy rides. Then you probably do.

Aside from that small sector of the population, the rest of us get to work in more typical ways. We drive cars, ride scooters or motorcycles, take public transport, ride bikes, walk, or possibly even take ferries. If we work from home, we slither from our beds onto the floor and crawl to the coffee maker before beginning our 8,356 daily Zoom meetings.

Now, without further delay, I present to you...

Three Animals It Would Be More Awesome to Ride to Work than a Horse

A Giraffe

Giraffes are very majestic! They have cool colors and spots and mohawk thingies down the backs of their entire necks. And they can EAT TREES.

If I could eat trees, I would probably kick that Dunkin' Donuts habit, at least until the novelty of being able to eat a freakin' tree wore off. My giraffe and I could even stop on our ride to work to snack off the same tree!

Just think, you could create a seat to strap around your giraffe's neck, as long as it didn't 't hurt him. Hopefully, the seat could be just behind his head. I'm calling your giraffe he because in my mind I have named him Gary.

The bottom of the seat could open up to provide a storage area for all your work crap. You could have a cup holder and a tray for your Dunkin' Donuts beverage and food since you genuinely cannot digest parts of a tree. And you would arrive at work in motherfuckin' style!

When you got to work, you'd remove the seat from your giraffe's neck and park him in the giant wildlife enclosure out behind the building. You'd know he was your giraffe because he'd have on a blue collar with an attached name tag that said "Gary." Not because he was the only giraffe there.

The enclosure would be in full view of the floor-to-ceiling glass windows of your swanky office, and all your coworkers would see you dismount your giraffe. They'd clap as you slid down his neck and somersaulted to the ground, shouted, "Run free, Gary! Run free!" and released him into the wildlife enclosure.

Your coworkers would know you were going places besides just to work on your giraffe!

A Narwhal

This option is not going to be readily available to people who do not live by the water. This means you will have to get your narwhal a traveling tank with wheels, which is my recommendation. This gives the narwhal universal appeal as a work transport animal.

Narwhals are even more awesome than unicorns. I mean, OF COURSE, no one has ever seen a unicorn; they don't exist. But I have never met a single person who has seen a narwhal either, and NARWHALS ARE REAL. Therefore, narwhals are particularly fantastic. Unicorns, whatever.

So, let's say you don't live near water and want to ride your narwhal to work. You can make her a traveling tank with wheels. I am calling your narwhal her because I have already named her Sharon.

You make a tank large enough for her to be comfortable during your 20-minute commute. You add some strong wheels to the bottom of the tank, along with a motor and steering wheel and all that other car shit I don't understand. Yes, I realize that if you know a lot about cars, you can poke many holes in this scenario, but let's refrain because RIDING A NARWHAL TO WORK, people!

After you have made your wheeled narwhal tank, you will have to get some special wetsuit pants to wear over your regular work attire. Then you can sit on your narwhal's back in the heated tank and not get your clothes wet. You can even hang your lunchbag from her horn. And, you'll have a storage container attached to the side of the tank to hold all your other work stuff.

When you arrive at work, atop your majestic narwhal in her tank, you will catch the eye of everyone you work with. That asshole, Dave, who took credit for your idea last year? OWNED! By you and Sharon, and her majestic motorized wheeled narwhal traveling tank.

Then you'll take Sharon to the enormous, narwhal-friendly lake behind the building. As your coworkers walk outside to watch, you will activate the retractable, inflatable yellow slide that's attached to the side of the tank, grab all your crap, and slide to the ground. You will not give Sharon the finger, like that guy who quit his job as a flight attendant did in that video that went viral. You could give everyone at work the finger, but didn't you already do that by showing up to work on a narwhal?

You will push the tank to the edge of the lake and use a lever to pull up the retractable glass pane on the front. Sharon will whoosh out into the water and spend her day frolicking in the lovely lake. Now that is what I call magical ingenuity!

A Pterodactyl

Okay, let's forget for a moment that pterodactyls are extinct. Except on Scooby-Doo, in that episode where that guy dressed up as the ghost of a pterodactyl and dive-bombed people to solve his problems instead of, you know, doing something more normal and probably much easier. Let's instead think about how fucking epic it would be to ride a pterodactyl pretty much ANYWHERE!

Dentist appointment? Ride your pterodactyl, and it will be the most incredible dental cleaning of your life. Riding a pterodactyl to the mall could even make a visit there the day before Christmas Eve mildly tolerable. Hey, there are some things even riding a pterodactyl can't make enjoyable!

If you do get to ride a pterodactyl, you sure as hell aren't riding him to work. You are riding him EVERYWHERE. Him, because I have decided his name is Russ. You'll ride Russ around your city or town, across the countryside, and especially over the homes of your sworn enemies.

Russ will make his crazy pterodactyl noise. It is that insane cawing sound we all assume a pterodactyl makes. But, we may all be wrong because have you ever heard a pterodactyl make noise? I haven't! It wouldn't be very awesome to ride a pterodactyl to work while he mewed placidly like a kitten. So, we will say that Russ makes the loudest, most badass pterodactyl noise of all the living pterodactyls.

You could make a special pterodactyl-friendly seat, but I'm pretty sure you will seem way more like Chuck Norris if you forego the seat and just hold on for dear life.

It's just you and Russ, diving low over the people from your past and your present who have exhibited qualities of everpresent dickitude. Russ will drop an acid pellet in front of them as they walk down the sidewalk, or through their yards, or, especially, as they cross the parking lot at Walmart. The pellets contain a unique acid Russ developed in his mad-scientist pterodactyl lab. The acid doesn't actually burn or injure or destroy anyone or anything except for shoes. It will destroy the hell out of any and all shoes.

Once the shoes of your enemies are burned off, Russ will drop large amounts of LEGOs that span ten feet in all directions around those unfortunate people who have wronged you. They will not even realize their shoes are gone unless maybe it's Chicago in January. And then, THEY WILL HAVE TO WALK BAREFOOT ACROSS TEN FEET OF LEGOS TO ESCAPE. I bet your neighbor who lets his dog go to the bathroom in your yard and doesn't pick up the poop is sorry now! Hell to the motherfuckin' yeah, Russ!

In Summary...

I hope you can see why riding any of these three animals to work would be way more awesome than getting to work in any other fashion. Yes, even more awesome than riding a horse. Seriously, though, if you do somehow procure one of the animals mentioned above, please don't go to damn work at all! Instead, get yourself an adult beverage, ride your majestic animal about town, and show everyone in your city how lame a Segway tour really is.

Photo by Slawek K on Unsplash

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