Why I Am Jealous of Babies
Although it is difficult, I try not to let the monstrous envy I feel for the lifestyle of babies destroy my existence
I am at an age when many people I know are having or have already had babies. The first great idea I had related to babies was to open a store that sells baby things, kind of like Babies-R-Us. The bad part about that idea was I would have to move to Macon, Georgia because what I wanted to name my store would require it. I would call my store “Macon Babies,” but the name wouldn’t work if I opened it in Atlanta. Since I am not planning to move to Macon anytime soon, I have had to nix the store idea.
My first and only niece was born in 2013. Now I also have three nephews, but she was the first baby in the family. I am going to be honest here and say most newborn babies look like Winston Churchill. You know it’s true. Let’s not pretend. But, not my niece. She did not look at all like Winston Churchill. She was the cutest baby ever and is still the cutest.
After she was born, I noticed she had a pretty sweet life, which made me think about how lucky most babies are. In fact, I am jealous of them.
First, babies get to be as lazy as they want to be. This situation would work well for me because I enjoy being lazy. It would be great if I could lie around all day, and even if I did nothing at all, everyone would stand around and talk about how cute I was.
Plus, I could be so extraordinarily lazy that I would not even have to get up and walk to the bathroom when nature called. I could just go in my pants, and then one of my servants would come and clean it up.
Another way babies win is the whole car seat thing. First, they do not even have to get up and walk out to the car. Someone sticks them in their little seat and carries them out there, and they can relax or nap the whole way to wherever they are going. They are ferried around by a chauffeur, and they get to recline in their seat for the entire trip.
The driver is acutely aware of them at all times, and he or she is listening for sounds from the backseat. So, if I were a baby, all I would have to do would be to cry my head off, and my chauffeur would pull over to tend to my every need. It would be like ringing a bell for service at a fancy hotel.
The whole stroller thing is pretty nice too. Imagine how refreshing and peaceful it would be to sit in a seat (where you got to recline again, no less!) and have somebody push you around outside while you enjoyed the gentle breeze and sounds of nature. If they ran while they pushed you, even better!
When I have been on car trips with my family, and my dad has gotten on the expressway, the constant speed lulls me into a pleasant sleep. Being strolled would do the same, only with the sounds of birds and getting to watch someone else exercise and know you were doing absolutely nothing while they busted their ass pushing you up a hill.
Babies also have it made when it comes to body image issues. When you are a baby, people love it when you are fat. The fatter, the better, it seems. Chubby babies are adorable, and rolls of fat all over your body are not just accepted but celebrated.
I always told my niece to enjoy the time in her life when people loved her chubby thighs, but I think the idea was lost on her. When you are a baby, everyone is interested in you eating and will even fight over who gets to feed you. I know this happened in my family.
Everyone wanted to feed my niece, and when she didn’t eat solid foods and only had bottles, she even got to lie down while she ate! Even when she started eating solid foods, someone else did all the work. She only had to sit in her little chair, and one of her servants fed her, and everyone in the room thought she was adorable, and sometimes people even clapped.
Imagine the boost of self-esteem you’d feel if people clapped and cheered every time you ate something! Of course, I enjoy eating a lot, and we might need to hire extras to perform the clapping if my family and friends got tired. I think I would feel pretty awesome about myself! I mean, really, if people loved that my thighs don’t look like I would like them to, or that I have extra stomach fat, and they got excited whenever I ate, well, that sounds like a fantasy world!
When she was a baby, my niece received more gifts than anyone I have ever seen. People, myself included, constantly bought her adorable clothes from a variety of retailers. She never had to go shopping herself. It was like she had her own concierge and personal shopper. When any of her clothes got too small, everyone took that as a sign she was growing and thought it was a miracle of nature. When my clothes have gotten too small, I have never felt like it was excellent. Certainly, no one congratulated me and got me a balloon.
But when my niece outgrew her clothes, everyone bought her more clothes and probably clapped. I don’t remember.
People also loved to buy her toys and got her all kinds to see what she would like. How amazing would it be if everyone I knew bought me cute clothes, loved it when they got too small, and also bought me things I could do during my leisure time? I imagine I would receive yarn and knitting supplies, prepaid months’ subscriptions to streaming services, and possibly free home improvement. Also, if anyone would like to buy me a new refrigerator, have at it!
Clearly, babies have it made. Although it is difficult, I try not to let the monstrous envy I feel for their lifestyle destroy my existence. I think I still may try to find a way to get people to clap when I eat, though.