• Larkyn Simony

Women Demand Better Quality in Dick Pics

Men, If You’re Going to Send Them Anyway, At Least Make an Effort

Atlanta, Georgia

October 4, 2020

When a women creates a profile with an online dating service, she often hopes to meet a man with whom she can have a long-term relationship. Sometimes, it is a victory to find a man with whom she can tolerate sharing a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, before many women reach the point of meeting a man in person, they receive inappropriate and even offensive messages from potential suitors. These messages can include inappropriate language, taunts, and even hate speech.

The majority of inappropriate messages come in the form of the “unsolicited dick pic.”

According to a Gallup poll from July 2019, of 10,000 women who maintained active profiles on dating websites in the United States during the first half of 2019, 72% of these women received an unsolicited photo of a penis from a man they did not know.

Men sometimes sent such photos as a first communication, including a picture of the potential suitor’s naked penis and messages that varied in content from disgusting, to mildly inappropriate, to benign. Sometimes, there were no messages at all.

The poll contained a detailed breakdown of the messages women received. Some men accompanied their photos with transparent comments such as, “You look like you could use a big dick.” Most unsolicited dick pics included either no message, or greetings that appeared harmless, such as “Hey!” “How are you?” and even “Do you play golf?”

In what has become known as the “rick-rolling” of the online-dating world, unsuspecting women open these seemingly harmless messages. They are then greeted by the sight of a strange man’s erect penis. While women are universally disgusted by these photos, another complaint voiced by women nationwide had to do with the lack of quality such images present.

Jody Sutherland, 31, of Peachtree City, Georgia, said, “If you are sending me a photo of your penis, I assume it’s because you think I’m going to find that penis so attractive I'm immediately going to demand to have sex with it. But, what you’re sending me are mirror selfies of you holding it in your hand, and the lighting is so poor I can’t tell if it is your genitalia or a small salami.”

Many women echoed Sutherland’s thoughts. Alyssa Marcos, 25, of Atlanta, stated, “I really don’t want to see your penis in the first place. If you are going to send me a photo of it, please make an effort to present it in the best way possible. Soft focus lighting and a pleasant backdrop can almost convince me I’m looking at photos of puppies and kittens if I squint really hard.”

In answer to these common complaints, two Georgia women have opened a business. Their mission is to improve the online dating experience for men and women. Since some men are never going to stop sending women photos of their genitalia, at least these photos can be tasteful and professionally arranged.

Cynthia Niedermeyer, 42, and Juliana Wright, 34, two former coworkers at the restaurant chain, Hooters, were tired of the unwanted penis photos filling up their dating site inboxes. They have opened the first photography studio in the United States dedicated solely to helping men make the best possible photos of their genitals. Niedermeyer and Wright opened the studio, called The Money Shot, in Cumming, Georgia, in January of this year.

First and second-quarter profits were substantial. A partnership with online dating site Plenty of Fish created an upsurge in revenue for The Money Shot. Plenty of Fish provides each new male member with a QR code that can be exchanged for one free penis photo from The Money Shot. The partnership will continue for the foreseeable future.

Men can also choose photo packages that include accessories such as feather boas and glitter. They can select backdrops of famous cities, the flag of any nation, images of tropical locales, inspirational quotes, and custom backdrops of their choosing.

Since the partnership began in February 2020, women on Plenty of Fish state they now find the unwanted genital photos they receive to be of higher quality. Meg Astor, 29, a member of Plenty of Fish, reports that now she sometimes enjoys the pictures. Astor says, “While there is no way in hell I will ever respond to anyone who sends me a dick pic, if you turn the photos sideways, some can be, well, hung on the wall and passed off as abstract art.”

The Money Shot will open its second location, in Bald Knob, Arkansas, in February 2021.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire. Any similarities of people in this article to any person, living or dead, are purely coincidental. All data is bullshit and was made up by the author. Plenty of Fish, Hooters restaurants, and Gallup, Inc. have no affiliation with the author, the aforementioned fictitious business, or your penis.

Photo by Christian Buehner on Unsplash

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